Friday, 21 October 2016

Silent Miscarriage-My Experience

The loss of a baby. Upsetting, uncomfortable and therefore can be something which isn't often spoken about. But listening, talking, informing is good, helpful. This is why I've decided to share my experience of a silent/missed miscarriage. Something I'd never heard of until it happened to me in December 2013. Supporting baby loss awareness week (9th-15th October) #heretolisten

Putting up the Christmas tree with my three year old I felt so happy. I was nine weeks pregnant with baby number two. From finding out at the beginning of November I had already worked out my due date, told a select few, pondered over names and excitedly imagined my maternity leave with a summer baby.

Not a week later following a difficult bowl movement (sorry TMI!) I was faced with every pregnant women's nightmare, a show of bright red blood. On calling the hospital they said it was fairly common, not to worry and to call back if the blood got heavier and/or was accompanied by any pains/cramping. There was no further blood or pains or cramping which was a good sign but I just didn't feel pregnant anymore. My boobs were no longer sensitive, the nausea had eerily subsided and a nagging feeling that something wasn't right wouldn't budge.

On Friday 20th December I sat nervously waiting for my 12 week scan. My husband held my hand tightly. I couldn't speak as my mind raced. Thoughts alternated between telling myself everything was fine to wondering how I was going to react to the news. Finally the sonographer called my name. I forced a smile. As we entered the room I felt sick. Laying down I rolled up my top feeling the cool gel on my tummy. As she moved the transducer around, twisting and turning I knew it wasn't good news. I felt sorry for the young girl who's face said it all but she had to say it none the less. She apologised and explained gently that it looked like the baby had stopped growing at around 7 weeks. I nodded, calmly listening to confirmation of what deep down I already knew. We were led to a room where a midwife gave us the options of what would happen next. I opted to let nature take it's course. My notes were kept to one side and we were shown out of a different exit. Thankfully it spared me the walk out of the door which I'd earlier entered still clinging on to hope. Most importantly too, spared the expecting, excited women from seeing the side that no one wants to endure. The devastated face of the loss of a baby.

The drive home from the hospital was surreal. I was officially no longer pregnant. I felt lost. I was supposed to be pregnant. My initial feeling was sadness. That I wouldn't be sharing our news. That my son wouldn't be joined by a sibling. The next day I felt cheated. That our new dreams and plans as a family of four were abruptly gone. I tormented myself, imagining what it would have felt like to have come home with a picture of our scan, sharing our news. Then I felt lucky. Pregnancy is complicated. Shockingly one in six pregnancies result in miscarriage. Some suffer multiple miscarriages. Others lose babies much further into pregnancy or horrendously at birth. Some people sadly never even have the opportunity. We had a happy, healthy three year old and if that was all life had intended then that was more than good enough for me.

The miscarriage started on Christmas Eve and lasted around two weeks. Only one day was especially tough when I experienced a couple of hours of contraction like pains but for the most it was really just like a heavy period. In the New Year we returned to the hospital to ensure everything was back to normal. The nurse confirmed this and said we could start trying straight away if we wished. Amazingly in February 2014 (only a month later) we found out that we were expecting again. It was a hard nine months. I worried, constantly. Sunday 12th October 2014 we welcomed our second son into the world and not a day passes that I don't appreciate how lucky we are.

Birthday Brothers. Same Birthday 4 Years Apart x

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